Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
Randomize
