My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Dear god my vagina.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
Randomize
