I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Randomize
