there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
Randomize
