$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
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