I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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