Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
