Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
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