he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
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