guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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