youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
