I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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