Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
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