You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
