I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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