If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
You ate ashes out of my bong
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