My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
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