goodnight i made you a song goodbye
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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