Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
