In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
So all semester this guy and girl have been talking, and today is the last class and we are doing nothing. I would have skipped but I want to see if he seals the deal or pusses out. It's like a season finale.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
