I'm jealous of your bromance
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
