So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Randomize
