My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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