when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
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