It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
Are my feet made of real feet?
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
