Can Purell be used as lube?
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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