it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
