I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize