i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
