i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
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