Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
