I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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