Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
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