omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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