while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Randomize
