How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
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