Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
Text. Mid BJ. 8 points.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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