so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Randomize
