i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
