i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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