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He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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