Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize