I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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