The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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