I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
