I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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