party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Randomize
