The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I dont need to watch it. And stop comparing your life to Entourage.
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Randomize
