thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
