He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
