he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
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