so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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