You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
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Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
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