sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
