I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
Who did Billy Mays play for?
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
