I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
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