Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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